this story originally appeared in the philippine daily inquirer on October 16, 1999.
When we were younger, Michael and I promised to be best friends forever–no romantic strings attached. We had seen, heard and read about best friends falling in and out of love, and we didn’t want that. We had a very special relationship which we did not want to ruin by falling in love. Our friends said it was impossible that Michael and I could maintain our closeness without one of us falling for the other. But we promised to prove everyone wrong. I would never fall in love with Michael and he would never fall in love with me, whatever happened.
But as I found out much later, things don’t always happen exactly the way you want them to. Michael and I lived in the same neighborhood, went to the same school, attended the same social events. So it was not very surprising that we became as comfortable with each other like an old shoe. Whenever we were together, which was very often, we received naughty glances from our classmates who thought we were on, but we just shrugged it off. It didn’t matter to us what others thought. What was important was that we felt secure about our relationship as best friends–nothing more, nothing less. Such a relationship had its drawbacks, of course, like when it came to finding a date. The first time I went out with a guy, Michael insisted on tagging along. Then, halfway through an entirely boring evening, Michael made some disgusting snoring sounds, which embarrassed me. My date thought it was not funny and he never asked me out again. But that was Michael.
Night and day
Although we were very close to each other, Michael and I were not birds of the same feather. In fact, we were as different as night and day. I was a dreamer, he was a realist. I was the type who actually thought of building castles in the air, it was he who kept my feet planted on the ground. I loved classical music, Michael slept through most of it. But despite these differences in our personalities, there was nothing I kept secret from Michael and there was nothing in his mind he did not tell me about. We were best friends after all, and told each other everything. That was the rule. As I grew into young adulthood, however, I learned that things were constantly changing. That was life, they said, a never-ending mystery. Like falling in love.
I didn’t know how or when it started, but all too suddenly Michael seemed like an overwhelming presence. My hormones became hyperactive whenever he was around, my palms became sweaty, and my face turned red and warm. I knew what it was, I recognized the signs, and I didn’t like what I was feeling. I needed to get away, at least for a while. I could not face Michael with all the new feelings inside me. Michael knew something was bothering me, but when he asked about it, I couldn’t look him in the eye and tell him honestly how I felt. Sure, best friends were not supposed to hide anything from each other, but how could I tell him I was falling in love with him?
Discovery
So after finishing college, I decided to work in another place. Michael stayed behind. I left with my heart heavy with something that was left unsaid. I found it hard to make Michael understand that I wanted to go through a period of discovery and rediscovery of who I really was and what I really wanted, and I had to do it without him. But I assured him I would keep in touch. And I did, we did. For a while it seemed as if everything was back to normal. Not seeing him every day helped. I busied myself with my career, dated other guys every now and then and tried to have a good time. I knew Michael went out with someone else, too. And when things went rough, as they often did, I could look forward to reading Michael’s letters, which lifted me up and made me smile through my tears.
We kept sending each other letters every week without fail. Then one day, I saw the mailman come and leave without any letter for me. I wondered why. When three more Wednesdays passed and I still didn’t get a letter from Michael, I was worried. A few days after, I found the answer right at my doorsteps. It was Michael. I couldn’t believe it. He never looked so handsome. I felt my heart leap to my throat, but checked my strong impulse to hug him and tell him what was really in my heart. We spent the entire afternoon and the next couple of days just talking, laughing and catching up on things. It was just like old times.
Broken promise
Then it was time to go. I took Michael to the airport and I noticed that he was unusually pensive during the ride. For someone who never had a serious bone in his body, I found it strange, very strange. I asked him what was bothering him. He didn’t reply immediately. I thought I detected a sadness in his eyes, but he dismissed it saying he just missed me, his best friend for life. But I knew there was something more. Just before he boarded the plane, he told me that he had not been very honest with me. ”Since when did you keep secrets from me?” I kidded him, like I didn’t have a secret of my own. But this time, he was serious. His eyes told me so.
When the call to board was made, he held me tightly and told me he was sorry he had to break the promise we made a long time ago. Then he was gone. It took a long while for his words to sink in. At first, I wasn’t sure what he meant. Then I knew: there was only one promise we made that had not been broken, and it was our promise not to fall in love with each other. The weeks that followed were torture for me. I had no communication with Michael whatsoever. And for some reason, couldn’t bring myself to write him a letter. After what seemed like an eternity without hearing from Michael, I resolved to throw caution to the wind and tell him how I felt. I wrote him a very long letter. Finally, the feelings I had kept hidden for so long were out. There was no turning back, I had to let him know. But he never knew. The letter never reached him.
Three days after I dropped it in the mailbox, his parents called to tell me Michael was gone. He died of a brain tumor. It was so like him never to have told me he was dying. Michael wanted his life to be filled with laughter, never sorrow. And I knew that he lived his life the way he wanted to. I felt numb to my stomach. I couldn’t cry a tear. I hoped that it was all just a bad dream and that when I woke up, everything would be okay. But it was not. Suddenly I was aware of the many wrong decisions I had made. My mind was filled with regrets. But deep within me, I knew regrets could not bring him back. I forced my thoughts back to the exact moment when we last held each other at the airport. And I began to understand why it seemed as if he didn’t want to let me go. He knew it. It was our final goodbye.
